Why?

I can’t believe this is happening again. Three rounds of injectable cycles and absolutely nothing to show for it. Not even a negative pregnancy test, because we never got there.

It looks like if we even want a shot at another child we’re going to have to do IVF. I am completely and utterly heartbroken, not to mention broke. How will we ever be able to pay for IVF?

I thought the second time around would be easier. I thought once we figured out what worked it would work again. I thought wrong. To complicate matters, this time around we have zero insurance coverage and only one income.

I hate my body.

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Completely Lost.

How in the world has it been three months since I last posted? So much for writing every week… I even had my next couple posts planned out back in September, but I guess those will have to wait, because I’ve got a crappy update to give.

So since our first round of treatment back in July got cancelled, I had a plan. Time to go back to exactly what worked before – acupuncture. So I figured I would do atleast two solid months of acupuncture and go from there. I started back at the very end of August, so all of September and October I went twice a week. At that point I was ready to think about getting back in the game. I talked to DH about starting Provera to bring on my period in the middle of November, I thought the timing would work out nicely. If I started Provera November 16th then I would take the last pill the day before Thanksgiving and spend the weekend waiting for my period and not having to worry about possibly going in for an appointment. Then the beginning of December we’d spend doing the injectables and the two week wait would end right around/after Christmas. Perfect. Or so I thought.

I started the Provera on November 16th just as planned and my period came quicker than I thought it would. The Saturday after Thanksgiving my period started. I called the doctor that Monday and went in the next day for my baseline ultrasound. I was nervous, which I realized later was silly considering that was the easiest appointment, it would only get worse from there. Anyway, everything looked good and I was cleared to start the injections the next day. I was instructed to start at 75 units, which had me a little on edge because I was used to starting at 50. They reasoned that the failed cycle back in July we started at 50 and nothing ever happened, so that’s why they were upping it… but… I wasn’t doing acupuncture then either was my concern…

So I did the 75 units shots Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat and Sun of last week. I then went in this past Monday for my first ultrasound and bloodwork. I was disappointed to find out I had a 12mm follicle and an 11mm follicle. Looking back now, that really wasn’t bad. But I compare everything to the cycle I actually got pregnant of course, which went so smoothly and quickly, where I triggered on day 12 and ovulated on day 14 – the quote unquote normal cycle. Anyway, I was upset, I cried, and they assured me everything was fine. Got a call that afternoon that my estradiol was at 461… I thought that sounded high, but they assured me that meant things were on their way. I went back in Tuesday morning, naturally I was hoping that the 12 had turned into a 14, but that was not the case. I now had two 12s on the right side and some smaller ones of the left. Again I was bummed, but atleast something was growing. That afternoon I got the bloodwork results again and my estradiol was up over 600. They were concerned it was getting too high and wanted me to “coast” for the next two days. So I didn’t give myself a shot on Tuesday or Wednesday. The nurse told me one of two things would happen, either the follicles would continue to grow on their own and we’d reevaluate the dosage and keep going or everything would stop and we’d have to cancel. Again. I know that they know what they’re doing, but it’s so hard to trust in them sometimes. So I went back in yesterday (Thursday morning). I was trying to prepare myself that nothing had happened and everything would be cancelled right then and there. To my surprise the two 12s had turned into 13s. Not the 16s I was hoping for, but atleast they were growing! I was genuinely surprised and the nurse was happy and said my doctor would be too. The last piece of the puzzle was to see what my estradiol was. I asked if there was any chance of it going up, she said it was possible and that wasn’t a bad thing as long as it wasn’t over say 1,000. The main concern was how low it would drop, if it crashed down to like 20, we’d be done, cancelled, again. As long as it wasn’t under around 200 she’d be happy. I left feeling relieved, optimistic, good even.

They usually call with the bloodwork results between 1:30 and 2 in the afternoon. So I was anxiously awaiting and hoping to get the news before I went into my 2 o’clock acupuncture appointment. I sat in my car a few minutes longer than usual hoping the phone would ring. It didn’t, so I headed in for my appointment. She called me back and as I was walking back to the room my phone started ringing, I answered and I could tell from the nurse’s voice right away that it was bad news. My stupid freaking reject of a body failed me again and the estradiol had crashed down to 35. Cycle cancelled. Again. I started crying hysterically. So embarrassing. I felt so bad when I finally got off the phone and had to explain what was going on to my acupuncturist. She was actually really surprised because she keeps saying how my body is in such a better place than it was the first time around with her.

So there we have it. So far we’ve wasted $5,000 or so and haven’t even completed a cycle. I think that’s what’s killing me the most right now. It’s not that I’m not pregnant, it’s that I haven’t even had a freakin chance. I don’t know how it’s possible, but somehow I must have forgotten what an emotional roller coaster this whole process is. Also, I was convinced that now that we “know what worked” it would be so much easier the second time around. So much for that. Not to mention I am so freakin pissed off that I used probably less than 25 units on a new Follistim cartridge and the entire rest of the thing will now go to waste, another waste of $250. Also, I’ve got 2 Novarels that say use by December 2015 that haven’t been touched since I ordered them in July, another $250 down the drain. And more than all that crap, I’m just heartbroken.

When I was on the phone with the nurse yesterday she mentioned maybe trying Clomid and the injectables together. I don’t know. Honestly, Clomid scares me anymore. When I talked to my acupuncturist she mentioned putting me back on the herbs for a few months before trying a treatment again. I have no idea what to do or where to go from here. I’m so lost and just… sad.

Here We Go…

Alright. So. We always knew that once our miracle baby turned one, we would start trying for miracle baby #2. I’m certainly not getting any younger and while we hope the second time around doesn’t take as long as the first time…. who knows.

So we went back to see my RE in February. At one of our last appointments when I finally got pregnant, my doctor told me that I could continue to see him for my PCOS alone. So I used that as an excuse to go see him. I mean, I really would like to continue seeing him since I’ve never really managed my PCOS, but if I’m being honest, I really just wanted to start prepping for trying for #2. So we went and met with him and basically just got a lot of blood work done. We also made an appointment for an “infertility talk” for the beginning of June, right after Lucas’ birthday.

Went back in June. Had just finished breastfeeding, so I was to get back on Metformin. Reviewed blood work from February and got more ordered. Had not had a period since before getting pregnant, so I was prescribed Provera to bring my period on. Doctor mentioned something about if that wouldn’t work to bring my period on…. I said what? I didn’t know that was an option… He said it would probably work and not to worry about it. Well, guess what? Two weeks after finishing the Provera and still no period. Sigh. Nothing can be easy.

Since it’s been almost three months now, I’m a little fuzzy on all the details, but that’s alright, better to keep this shorter anyway. So basically I needed to go in for a sonohyst to check and make sure everything was okay with my uterus. I was bracing myself for the worst, only to be totally surprised when Dr. M. told me everything looks great and we’re good to get started on treatments again. What?! Something was going in my favor? I was confused because I thought I needed to have a period before starting treatments again, but apparently not! He asked if we could meet briefly I said yes please! So we sat down to talk and agreed we would do exactly what we did last time knowing it worked! I then met with one of the nurses who gave me the injectable medication and gave me a refresher on how to do everything. I started injecting myself that afternoon!

Side note: We were going into this knowing that our successful cycle seemed to be brought on by three changes:

  1. I had been put on Synthroid
  2. I had started eating gluten free
  3. I was doing acupuncture

I was really, really, REALLY hoping we wouldn’t need to do acupuncture this time around. Mostly because it’s EFFING EXPENSIVE. I was hoping the Synthroid and cutting out carbs would be enough to make a difference.

Well, long story shorter, we never even made it through the cycle. It got cancelled. I think that’s what’s the most upsetting about the whole thing. It’s not that I didn’t get pregnant, it’s that I never even had a chance. I went through 2 vials of Follistim, went in for ultrasounds and blood work multiple times and there were NEVER any measurable follicles. Nothing. Heartbreaking. And basically a complete waste of $3,000 that we really didn’t have to spend. But we’ll save the money talk for another post.

I was prescribed Provera again and this time it worked. I had my first period in two years at the beginning of August.

And with that, it’s back to acupuncture! I’m now convinced more than ever that acupuncture is what got us pregnant. So we are back “on a break” from treatments until my acupuncturist gives me the green light again. I just had my first appointment back with her on Monday. It was surreal going back to that office. As soon as I walked through the door and smelled the sent of her “moxa” it took me back to what now feels like a lifetime ago.

So I guess we’ll see what happens. I’m okay so far. I had a couple breakdowns at the dr while going through that first cycle back. It caught me off guard too. It’s crazy how quickly all the emotions and pain come back. I was so hoping this time around would be smooth sailing. It definitely helps having Lucas to occupy me, my focus is on him and not obsessing about all this 24/7, so that’s awesome. I will say, my emotions are right on the surface again though. In the past couple weeks there have been a bunch of pregnancy announcements popping up on Facebook again and for the first time in over a year, they sting a little bit again. Not anywhere near like before, but it’s still tough.

But I’m a fighter. I got this. Miracle baby #2, we love you already and we are fighting for you. ❤

I’m alive, in case anyone was wondering…

UGH. I am mortified that I haven’t written in over a year. I swore I wasn’t going to be one of those people who had a baby and stopped blogging. Not that I didn’t understand why that happens, I was just determined I wasn’t going to do it. But here we are 14 months after my last post. Eeek!

So, uh, where to even start? No point in trying to recap the past year, but let’s just say, motherhood is the hardest thing ever. Motherhood is also the most wonderful thing ever and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. After such a long journey to get pregnant, I am loving every second of life with my little guy! I am so blessed to be able to stay home with my boy. Things are tight, so tight that my husband found a new job and is working two jobs now. It’s tough, it’s an adjustment, but we know that in the end it will be worth it. Again, I’m loving being home and I’ve even started a little part time photography business with a friend of mine. It’s extremely part time right now, it kind of has to be, but my goal is to grow the business slowly so that I hopefully never have to go back to work for someone else!

We’ve got big goals for the next year, hopefully earn and save enough money to start seriously looking for a bigger house and perhaps get working on #2, God willing. In the meantime, here’s a couple of recent photos of our miracle baby. I’ll keep this short for now as I’m just getting my feet wet again with this whole blogging thing!

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Newborn Photos!

Oy, in case there was ever any doubt, caring for a baby is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Duh, haha. But yeah, I am not finding a lot of time to blog, let alone do much else at this point! Hopefully I will find the energy to start doing regular updates again soon, but for now I wanted to atleast post some pics from our newborn session, cause I’m totally obsessed with them!

If I haven’t mentioned it already, I’m totally obsessed with photos and photography. I’m a bit of an aspiring photographer myself. Fingers crossed maybe that actually goes somewhere, especially if I don’t go back to work in 8 weeks… Anyway, a guy I went to high school with that I’m friends with on Facebook,was tagged in newborn photos of his baby about a year and a half ago and that is how I found this photographer we went to. I’m in love with every photo she takes and insisted that we go to her when we finally got pregnant and had a baby. She’s an hour and a half away from us, but I didn’t care, I needed her to do our photos! I love them all, but I’ll do my best to pick just a few favorites to post here…

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How He Got Here.

Not surprisingly, this post has taken me three days to write/finish. I started this on Friday when he was 11 days old…

Wow, where have the past 11 days gone?

So in my previous couple of posts I talked about how I woke up Saturday, May 24th feeling different and exhibiting some signs that perhaps something would be happening soon. Sunday the 25th I woke up feeling somewhat better, but Monday the 26th – Memorial Day, I was feeling more like I had on Saturday again. We spent about four hours hanging out with a friend late morning and into the afternoon. When we got home around 2pm I decided to lay down cause I was feeling so out of it. I fell asleep briefly, then started watching some TV when I woke up. I was feeling contractions and my husband found an app to keep track of them. They started out about 10 minutes apart and slowly started getting closer together. I stopped watching TV and decided it was time to update my blog, I had been meaning to do it all weekend and was determined to get it done before anything really started happening. As I was writing the blog post I had to take multiple breaks when a contraction came on. I tried to walk them off, breathe through them, got down on all fours a couple times, then jumped back on the computer after it subsided. My husband told me we were at the point that they were less than five minutes apart and lasting for close to a minute – if not longer and that the app was now telling him it was time to go to the hospital – NOW. I didn’t believe him. A minute is a long time and I just couldn’t believe they were actually lasting that long. So he decided it was time to call the doctor. He called and spoke to the midwife who was on call and after a minute handed me the phone to talk to her. She was no help at all (at that point, later I loved her), I was looking for someone to tell me YES, you are in labor, get in here, or NO, you’re fine stay there. Instead she told me it was up to us, we could come in if we wanted and they would check me out. For whatever reason, I had this fear that we would get there and they would tell us to go home, it would be a wasted trip and I would feel like an idiot. We ultimately decided we would start getting ready to head to the hospital, but we would take our time and continue to time my contractions.

I figured we had plenty of time, so I wanted to shower, grab something to eat and so on. Matt finished packing up his bag and was loading all our stuff into the car. I took a shower. When I got out of the shower I was standing there trying to decide if I had the energy to blow dry my hair… and then my water broke. Luckily, since I had literally just got out of the shower, I was on tile floor and had no clothes on! It startled me and then I started cracking up. Matt keeps telling everyone that he was downstairs getting things together when he heard “a splash, a shriek and then laughter.” At that point I was like, holy crap, this is really happening, I need to get moving. Needless to say I did not do my hair. I started moving as quickly as I could as the contractions were getting stronger and closer together. I wanted to finish up some leftover pizza that was in the fridge considering it was almost 8 o’clock, I hadn’t had dinner and I knew once we got to the hospital I wouldn’t be able to eat anything and it was likely to be a long night. I heated the pizza up in the microwave, took one bite and was like what am I doing? I can’t eat this, I feel like I’m going to die. Somehow I finished the one small slice and left the other sitting there as I started freaking out that we needed to leave NOW.

The car ride was excruciating. When we first got going I decided we needed some music to pump me up, after about 20 seconds I was like, no, I need silence! I was gripping on to the handle bar above the door like my life depended on it. I really felt like I was going to die and I feared that this was only the beginning. I think I only yelled at Matt once during the car ride, so I suppose that’s not too bad. We arrived at the hospital and he pulled the car right up to the door and helped me get inside to the receptionist. They asked me for my insurance card and ID and I basically threw them at the woman before collapsing over the desk. Meanwhile Matt is asking what he should do with the car. What kind of question is that? I looked at him and yelled, “GO PARK IT!” The receptionist apparently found this all very funny because she told my parents the whole story later haha. Matt left to move the car and someone came out to get me. She asked if I wanted to sit down, did I need a wheelchair? YES, PLEASE. She wheeled me back to a room and told me to change into a gown. Into the bathroom I went, where I was mortified to take my underwear off and find that I had already pooped my pants. Luckily it wasn’t very much and I had put a pad on when my water broke, so it wasn’t too much of a mess, but I was still so embarrassed. I told Matt about it when I came out of the bathroom and the one nurse said, if that’s the worst thing that happens today, you’re doing awesome. Haha. The midwife we had spoken to on the phone earlier came in and asked if she could check me, YES, PLEASE! I had said to Matt on the car ride over, if we don’t get there and find out I’m 9 ½ cm I think I’m going to die. Well, she checked me and guess what she said? 9 ½ cm. I yelled, thank you Jesus! I pleaded for drugs and was then reminded it was way too late for drugs. Um, WHAT? If I had been thinking logically I would have realized that, but obviously I was not thinking logically at the moment. So yeah, that sucked. As soon as I was on that bed I started getting the urge to push, so push we did. They kept telling me how I was doing so amazing and that this was the way to have your first baby! They said he would be here soon, just a few more pushes. They kept saying that, so finally I said, when is he coming? Soon, soon. I said, you keep saying that, but he’s not here! At one point I said, I just wanna go home! Later our nurse told me that was her favorite part haha. So anyway, we arrived at the hospital just after 8:30pm and he was here at 9:19pm. Unbelievable. The absolute most painful hour of my life, but obviously well worth it. The midwife actually asked Matt if he wanted to finish delivering him, he was caught completely off guard, but agreed and he then finished pulling our sweet baby out. They immediately brought him up and put him on my chest. It was so overwhelming and such a relief! I held him for a few minutes before the midwife asked me to push again to remove the placenta. I had actually thought about all that beforehand and worried about it. After the relief of pushing a baby out, would getting the placenta out be rough? Thankfully, no, that was by far the easiest part of the whole thing haha. One push and done. Matt cut the cord and our perfect little boy was officially here and ours.

Matt had called our parents and texted our close friends when my water broke and then sent another message right after he arrived.

My favorite picture from the hospital. <3

My favorite picture from the hospital. ❤

Everyone was dumbfounded that he had arrived already. My parents, who live an hour and a half away from us had pretty much kicked everyone out at their Memorial Day picnic and jumped on the road to come out to us as soon as Matt called them. They were going to go straight to our house to spend the night and take care of our pup, again, assuming it would be a long night, but they ended up coming straight to the hospital, they arrived about an hour after he was born. It was a late night, but obviously a wonderful one. So much more to say, but I’ll stop here for now.

The past (just about) two weeks have been the hardest of my life, I’m exhausted, totally frustrated half of the time, sometimes feeling like super mom and sometimes feeling like a complete failure, but overall I wouldn’t change a thing. So in love with our little Lucas. More to come, if I can find a few spare minutes! Thank you so much to everyone who left messages of congratulations, they mean the world to me after this long journey!